I am a passionate person. I love
fiercely, hurt deeply, laugh too loudly, and cry easily.
Or at least I used to do these things.
Over the past several years, I have
heard a common adjective to describe me from the mouths of my
friends... strong. I am a strong woman.
It's true, I have
dealt with a lot of hurts in recent years, and somehow managed
to not let the pain overtake me. The problem is, I don't think I have
gone about it in the right way.
In my quest to be an overcomer, I have
somehow lost the essence of the real me. My so called strength has
morphed into something that more resembles a person who is simply
stoic. Gone is the passion for life. I cannot remember the last time
I laughed until my sides hurt, or cried until my eyes stung. I have
been successful in not hurting too much over the events in my life,
but my love for life is disappearing.
I find that most days, I am simply
existing. Don't get me wrong, I still find things funny, and I smile
a lot. I enjoy my passions of writing and worship, but I am much too
careful with my emotions. In order to remain strong, I have dutifully
and meticulously built a wall around my heart. Sure, this has kept me
from having meltdowns of epic proportion, but it has also left me
feeling isolated and hopeless.
How did this happen?
The answer is simple... I have done the
work myself. I have mustered up strength of my own power and made the
conscious decision to survive the tragedies of life. In order to
become a strong person, I protected my heart from feeling anything to
the extreme. Deep down, I knew that to feel something to the extreme
means to be vulnerable, and vulnerable is the opposite of strong,
isn't it?
No... not even close.
Psalm
138
1
I give you thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing your
praises before the gods.
2 I bow before your holy Temple as I
worship. I praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness;
for your promises are backed by all the honor of your name.
3 As
soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me
strength.
As
I read this scripture, I see someone who is passionate about
worshiping and praising God.
I see vulnerability to a mighty God.
Through this vulnerability, strength to persevere comes, but not from
their own strength. It comes from God.
I realize now that what I have been
missing in my quest to be strong and survive is vulnerability to my
God! In verse 3 it says “As soon as I pray, you answer me.”
Prayer is the answer to breaking down the wall I have built around my
heart. It is time for me to lay down this hammer I have been wielding
as I build, and allow God to take over. By trying to do it myself, I
have lost sight of who I am in God.
It is now 2015, and I know one thing I
will be working on this year... to allow myself to be vulnerable
before my God and trust that when I pray, He will answer. I don't
need to try to be a strong woman, for there is no prize for that. I
do, however, need to be a strong woman of God, for He is the ultimate
prize. I will focus on Him more and more, and on my pain and
struggles less. He will encourage me and give me supernatural,
beautiful, and holy strength to persevere. His love is unfailing and
He is faithful. Everything He has promised is true because it is
backed by the honor of His name... As soon as I pray.
What are your resolutions for 2015
concerning your relationship with God?
Be Blessed!
