As soon as I pray...

I am a passionate person. I love fiercely, hurt deeply, laugh too loudly, and cry easily.

Or at least I used to do these things.

Over the past several years, I have heard a common adjective to describe me from the mouths of my friends... strong. I am a strong woman.

It's true, I have dealt with a lot of hurts in recent years, and somehow managed to not let the pain overtake me. The problem is, I don't think I have gone about it in the right way.

In my quest to be an overcomer, I have somehow lost the essence of the real me. My so called strength has morphed into something that more resembles a person who is simply stoic. Gone is the passion for life. I cannot remember the last time I laughed until my sides hurt, or cried until my eyes stung. I have been successful in not hurting too much over the events in my life, but my love for life is disappearing.

I find that most days, I am simply existing. Don't get me wrong, I still find things funny, and I smile a lot. I enjoy my passions of writing and worship, but I am much too careful with my emotions. In order to remain strong, I have dutifully and meticulously built a wall around my heart. Sure, this has kept me from having meltdowns of epic proportion, but it has also left me feeling isolated and hopeless.

How did this happen?

The answer is simple... I have done the work myself. I have mustered up strength of my own power and made the conscious decision to survive the tragedies of life. In order to become a strong person, I protected my heart from feeling anything to the extreme. Deep down, I knew that to feel something to the extreme means to be vulnerable, and vulnerable is the opposite of strong, isn't it?

No... not even close.

Psalm 138

1 I give you thanks, O Lord, with all my heart; I will sing your praises before the gods.
2 I bow before your holy Temple as I worship. I praise your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness; for your promises are backed by all the honor of your name.
3 As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength.

As I read this scripture, I see someone who is passionate about worshiping and praising God.

I see vulnerability to a mighty God. Through this vulnerability, strength to persevere comes, but not from their own strength. It comes from God.

I realize now that what I have been missing in my quest to be strong and survive is vulnerability to my God! In verse 3 it says “As soon as I pray, you answer me.” Prayer is the answer to breaking down the wall I have built around my heart. It is time for me to lay down this hammer I have been wielding as I build, and allow God to take over. By trying to do it myself, I have lost sight of who I am in God.

It is now 2015, and I know one thing I will be working on this year... to allow myself to be vulnerable before my God and trust that when I pray, He will answer. I don't need to try to be a strong woman, for there is no prize for that. I do, however, need to be a strong woman of God, for He is the ultimate prize. I will focus on Him more and more, and on my pain and struggles less. He will encourage me and give me supernatural, beautiful, and holy strength to persevere. His love is unfailing and He is faithful. Everything He has promised is true because it is backed by the honor of His name... As soon as I pray.

What are your resolutions for 2015 concerning your relationship with God?

Be Blessed!