“Mom, I would like to talk to you.
Can we go for a walk later?”
Those words will forever ring in my
ears. Those two sentences created a canyon in my life. Before I even
laced up my sneakers, I knew. I could feel the ground splitting
beneath me creating a void between the life I knew and the life I
would come to know.
As I stepped out into the quiet streets
of our simple neighborhood with my 15 year old son, I began making
small talk. My beautiful boy allowed me to babble on for a few
minutes with patience and grace. The conversation naturally died, as
we both anticipated the real reason behind this stroll.
“So,” he began, “there is
something I need to tell you.”
“Okay,” I responded while trying
desperately to swallow my heart which had jumped into my throat, “go
on.”
He began to tell me a tale that sent my
emotions into a tailspin from which I have yet to fully recover. From
the age of around 8 through the age of 13, he had been molested by
his older brother.
In my head, there was a deafening,
silent scream. With all the strength I could muster, I ignored that
sound and did my best to respond to my son with love and care. The
heart that had been pounding in my throat just a moment before now
dropped to my stomach and stopped beating.
I listened to him tell me as much as he
wanted to tell me. He talked for a few minutes and calmly explained
to me the horror he had lived through in the years that should have
been sweet and carefree for a young boy. I gently probed him with
questions, trying to put a time line together in my head. I was
shamefully relieved when he chose not to share the details. I think
he wisely knew I could not handle such information at that moment,
and he was right.
I honestly don't have a clear memory of
the rest of our conversation. I know I hugged him and told him I was
sorry. I know I told him that I love him and that this was not his
fault. I think I told him that this does not define him. I'm fairly
certain we talked about God. Sadly, I did not pray with him.
As we approached the now unfamiliar
front door, and stepped into the home that somehow had changed in the
last 20 minutes, he assured me he was okay and went to his room. As
he closed his door, my heart woke up and began to race faster than I
had ever experienced. It kept beating that way until I felt it crack,
and then shatter into what must have been a million pieces. And I
began to sob.
In that moment, in the midst of a pain
unlike anything I had felt before, I knew only one thing for certain.
God was with me. As I cried tears that felt like molten lava
streaming down my face, I knew beyond that shadow of a doubt that He
was there – holding me, pouring out His Love and Mercy upon me. He
knew I would not be able to endure the coming months without Him. I
knew it, too.
As I eventually found sleep on a tear
soaked pillow early the next morning, several verses were swirling
through my mind:
Romans
8:28, 35, 37-39
We know that all things work
together for the good of those who love God: those who are called
according to His purpose.
Who can separate us from the love
of Christ? Can affliction or anguish or persecution or famine or
nakedness or danger or sword?
No, in all these things we are
more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded
that not even death or life, angels or rulers, things present or
things to come, hostile powers, height or depth, or any other created
thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is
in Christ Jesus our Lord!
I
did not feel victorious. I did not understand how I would ever get
through the chaos in my head. I could not see how anything good could
come from this. I was going to have to entrust my life, and the lives
of my family to God. It took time, and many tries, to come to the
point of doing so, but eventually the Peace that comes from trusting
God did arrive.
What
are you facing in your life right now? Does it seem hopeless? Or is
it something that seems trivial, and yet it continues to be a thorn
in your side?
I
encourage you to believe what it says in Romans 8 – ALL THINGS work
together for the good of those who love God, and NOTHING has the
power to separate us from the love of God. Lean into His Love today.
Trust Him with your life, with your trial, with every situation.
I
promise you... the Peace which surpasses all understanding will come.
Be
Blessed!
